The Carter IV

Well, once again it’s been a while since I gave everyone an update.  Lots of people have asked since my last update how it’s been, and if the lack of updates was a good or bad thing.  Truth is, it’s neither.  I’ve been really busy at work and filling a lot of my free evenings with jiu jitsu again, so I haven’t set aside much time to sit at the computer and write!

 So that’s the good news.  I initially set a goal of getting back into jiu jitsu by March of this year.  I set the goal thinking I would beat it by a few weeks.  I had some unexpected turbulence in the recovery process, which I spoke about last time, so I didn’t make it back until the first week of April.  Even then, I took it very slow, doing about half of the warmups and sitting out for lots of moves that are harder on the knee.  I’m pretty happy to say that I have been doing all the warmups and pretty much all the moves, as well as sparring for several weeks, if not months by now.  I’m still staying away from takedowns and throws, but I think that is more a psychological block than anything else.

So here’s the bad news.  I’ve gotten comfortable short of the finish line.  I would say that, with regard to activities I can do now compared to before my injury, I’m at about 80%.  And for that 80% of activities, I’m certainly nowhere near 100% intensity for most of them.  Basically, I got myself back to a place where I can jog, jump, squat, and do jiu jitsu (which, in large part, isn’t very hard on the knees).

 This is, of course, a problem!  I’ve been so excited to do jiu jitsu again that I take just about every chance I get.  This leaves less time to do squats, leg presses, lunges, etc.  So I’ve plateaued a bit.  Plateaus are very frustrating, because you usually feel like you are putting in the same, if not more, amount of effort that you were when you were improving, but for some strange reason the improvements stop.  You usually have to change what you’re doing or add another dimension to it in order to start seeing results again.  

This time, however, the plateau came because I simply haven’t been putting in the effort.  I got comfortable being able to “do” jiu jitsu, rather than being able to train or compete like I really want.

 Realizing this puts me in a tough spot.  Unfortunately, I will have to make the gym and leg strengthening a higher priority, which will kick jiu jitsu further down the list.  I know my ultimate goal of competing again requires it, but that doesn’t make it easy to accept.  The best part is that I’ve identified the problem.  Now it’s just a matter of discipline to make sure I fix the problem accordingly, and I’m hopeful that wanting this phase to be over as soon as possible will serve as motivation! 

Failure: Keeping your Focus Forward Looking

Once again, I’ve gone too long without posting anything.  A number of people have asked me about my progress, so I’ll give a little update, but I still want to give it in the context of a bigger picture.  I'd like to write about the importance of looking forward, especially after failing to reach a goal.

I’ve said it before, as horrible as this injury has been, it has taught me a lot.  And when I say it’s been a rough ride, I mean it.  It’s probably the first time in my life I’ve experienced genuine depression.  At first, all the extra time gave me an opportunity to catch up on some things I had put to the back burner.  Work goals, friends, books, learning new things, etc.  I was also spending the majority of my newfound free time working on my knee, which I’ve written about in the past.

But unfortunately, at about 9 weeks after my surgery, I ran into some complications, which I also wrote about briefly.  All of a sudden, everything hurt.  And it kept getting worse.  Despite everyone saying it was “normal” or that it would resolve, I found myself regressing in my recovery at a rapid pace.  I won’t go into all the details as to why my progress started to reverse, but needless to say it’s complicated and hard to pinpoint a specific reason.   Most of my therapy activities and exercises hurt, and pushing through the pain made it worse.  So instead of spending all these hours on rehab, I spent them throwing myself pity parties.

The part that made dealing with all of this so bad was that I had already pretty much laid out my entire recovery in my mind.  In ACL reconstruction recovery, there are generally two “protocols” used (plans/timelines for exercises and recovery): standard and accelerated.   Even a lot of pretty good athletes stay on a standard protocol.  At 9 weeks, I was about 2 weeks ahead of schedule for the accelerated protocol.  I was doing things like 60lb walking lunges, weighted single leg squats, and plyometrics.  In fact, I had set a goal to return to jiu jistu before the end of March.  Unfortunately, due to my regression, I failed to meet that goal. 

Which brings me to this topic, dealing with failure.  Everyone fails.  Even the most accomplished people have flopped at something in their lives.  The difference between being successful or unsuccessful is how you deal with that failure.  I know, it’s so cliché, but it’s so true.  Those who can persevere will accomplish their goals.  My problem was that in my moment of failure, I completely lost sight of my ultimate goals.  Getting better, returning to jiu jitsu…my mind wasn’t focusing on these things.  It was focusing on the pain, the disappointment, and the helpless feeling I had.

That last one is really the biggest problem.  There’s no shame in being disappointed with yourself, or just disappointed with the outcome of any given scenario.  But feeling helpless, that’s the killer.  Because when you accept that there’s “nothing I can do about it,” you have destroyed any chance of getting back up after the fall.  With that frame of mind, there is no resolution because none exists.  It’s out of your hands.  But it’s usually not true.  Of course, positive affirmation only goes so far.  I don’t care how much you believe you can fly, jumping off a building to prove it to yourself is stupid.  But that is an unrealistic goal to begin with.  Mine were not.  Rehabbing my knee after a dislocation, torn ligaments, and surgery?  That’s far from impossible.  But for a brief period of time, I convinced myself it was out of my hands…and I sat around, waiting for it to magically get better.

When this regression started, I was telling a friend of mine who has a great deal of experience in sports medicine/fitness how frustrated I was with how much my progress had slowed.  She simply responded “slow progress is still progress.”  I wish I had taken that to heart a little sooner.  I wasn’t helpless to resolve these new issues, I was just disappointed with my situation.  I let that sadness lead to hopelessness, rather than doing the little things that I could still do. Until you reach your goals, they are in front of you, not behind you.  No matter how good things used to be, or even how back they were…none of it matters.  The main focus should be looking forward to what you hope to achieve, with the focus on what can be done to get yourself closer.

I’m happy to say I am refocused, and in a positive place again.  Big things coming up in the near future, so stay tuned!

Minor Setback Before a Major Comeback

A friend of mine in law school used to say that as a joke pretty often, but it’s actually something I’ve tried to associate with my knee.  This injury really has opened my eyes to a lot, more than I could ever explain in a blog.  I've had a few ups and downs since the last entry, and it’s hard to talk about your progress when you aren't certain if everything is going as it should.  Tomorrow marks 12 weeks since surgery, which is a pretty big milestone.  The ligaments are still healing and scarring, but there has been enough healing that I am allowed to do most natural movements, even if not 100%.  I was making extraordinary progress for a while.  I am told I was ahead of schedule on the “accelerated” ACL recovery timeline – which is exactly what I wanted.  I progressed to doing single leg, rotational, and jumping exercises.  Then, around week 10, I had a lapse in judgment.

Well, less of a lapse in judgment, more poor planning.  I moved into a new apartment, and I didn't think to scale back my therapy/workouts that week.  I didn't lift anything exceptionally heavy, or do anything specific that hurt my knee.  In fact, I didn't move any of the heavy stuff, and everything I lifted weighed significantly less than the weights I was using in therapy.  But I was in and out of the apartment with boxes, up and down stairs, and I think I overdid it a little bit.

So for the past two weeks I've been taking it really easy, without much relief.  A lot of my exercises were hurting, so I wasn't doing them.  I figured rest was my best bet.  I found a nice silver lining in that I took the opportunity to get back into working out my upper body.  Initially, I couldn't do this because (A) I was advised not to hold that much weight while standing or needing to plant my legs, and (B) I was spending any available workout time on my knee.  For the past 3-4 weeks, I've just been a combination of lazy and nervous to start doing upper body stuff for fear of seeing how far I had fallen.  Burying my head in the sand definitely didn't help, but I recognized the “problem” was all mental and have started taking steps to address it.  Better late than never!

I saw my surgeon today – I was going in for the 12 week post operative consultation.  This is the first time I would be evaluated to consider starting a jogging program.  I was certain that with the knee pain I've been experiencing and the swelling I still have (small amounts, but it’s there) that his advice would be a hard “no running yet, wait a few more weeks.”  Much to my surprise, that was not the case.

The short story is that everything I am experiencing is normal, and probably not even related to anything I did.  I had become very nervous that I would need a second surgery to tighten up my MCL.  He was adamantly against that idea.  He said it is healing great and will continue to gain stability for 3-4 more months.  Most of the issues I am experiencing are related to the fact that my leg muscles are still so weak compared to “normal.”  They have improved dramatically over the last 3 months, but the road ahead is still very long.   He gave me some ways to modify my workouts to strengthen everything while taking it a bit easier on the knee.  I got the go ahead to get back into therapy full force.  This “injury within an injury,” as much sleep as I lost over it, was just a minor setback before a major comeback.

He said I could be back to full jiu jitsu classes by 5 months.  I don’t think this means I’ll be back to advanced classes, but drilling most everything, maybe light rolling.  I’m still going back to class some time in March, even if my participation is limited, and even if it’s just a few classes per week.

Oh, he also said I get to start jogging tomorrow too.  Watch out world! 

How bad do you want it!?

I know I haven't written in a while.  The main reason is that I just haven't wanted to.  I spend a lot of time working and rehabbing my knee, so rather than force myself to sit and write something when I didn't want to, I was doing that instead.  I'm really not sure how my recovery timeline is stacking up to the "average" recovery timeline, and I'm not really concerned about that either.  I feel like its coming along at a good pace given my injuries.  I spend a lot of time on my recovery.  I try to squeeze in little things here and there, because I'm sure it all adds up to a little bit faster and better recovery.  I thoroughly enjoy it.  It brings me satisfaction.  As a result, I want to do it as much as possible.

One big problem I've observed is that so many people are simply mesmerized by televisions, facebook, and video games.  These are all huge distractions in life, but that's what they want to squeeze into every possible second of their day.  I have been, and still am, guilty of this also, to certain degrees.  We all get off work and want to plop down in front of the TV...or our laptops.  These things all have their place, but have you heard any inspirational stories where they said "and all that TV I watched was a huge key to my success."  What goals do these things push you toward?  Getting really good at watching TV?

It's so unfortunate.  I bet if most people simply turned off their TVs and computers, they would go insane from boredom.  They wouldn't know what to do with themselves.  What would they fill those hours with?  Hopefully they would find something productive to do, but I bet most people would break down and turn the TV back on.  But imagine if you replaced these things with a hobby you were really passionate about.  Something you just couldn't get enough of.  You'd be so grateful for all this extra time to do it!

I was raised to think that you should seek out a career that gives you this much satisfaction, too.  Try to find someone to pay you for something you'd do for free.  It makes being successful in your job so much easier, because work is much less of a burden (that isn't to say you wont have days you don't want to work).  You probably spend a good portion of your free time sharpening your skills in some way as well.  A perfect example is my brother.  He always thought computers were cool, from a very young age.  He wanted to know how to make programs.  One summer, maybe around middle school, he bought a book and taught himself how to make really basic programs.  He thought this was cool too, so he taught himself the next more advanced programming language, and kept doing it and kept doing it and now he's a software engineer.  He's a mighty good, and he loves to talk about writing programs, if you'll let him.

Regardless of whether we are talking hobbies or careers, the hardest part is figuring out what it is that you enjoy the most, besides watching Kim Kardashian and her sisters spend their money and cry about their lives on E!  Once you figure that out, it's just a matter of setting your goals.  "I want to write a computer program that does twice as many things," "I want to run a marathon," "I want to win a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament," "I want to ______________________________."

If the goal you set is something you truly, genuinely want, you'll find yourself constantly figuring out a way to get closer to it.  Think of the kid who just HAS to have that toy - that genuine desire most adults lack.  He is too young to work a real job and has no money, but he has his mind SET on getting that toy.  He can't stop thinking about it. So what does he do?  He scrounges for change, tries to sell some old toys, sets up a lemonade stand, or begs for odd jobs  just for a little bit of cash.  Sure enough, eventually, he has enough for that toy.  If you can figure out what it is that you really, really want and desire, and tune out the distractions around you, it's almost impossible for you not to reach it.

I really wanted to convey this message, so I took a good amount of time to write this, and didn't stop until I was done.  Right now, the thing I genuinely want is to get back toward jiu jitsu.  I want to do that way more than I want to watch TV, or play video games.  I have a bunch of goals right now to help me get there.  More short term is getting my knee healthy again; intermediate is returning to jiu jitsu classes on a regular basis and being able to spar; and long term includes returning to competition.  I have a goal of getting at least two gold medals before the end of 2013.  Added bonus if they're at the same tournament :)

Milestones, Goals, and Tracking Progress

All of my posts so far have been "big picture" topics, with a short update about something in my recovery related to that big picture.  Today, I really do want to focus more on my progress so far.

Tomorrow will be three weeks since surgery.  It feels like it has been an eternity, and it feels like I still have soooo far to go (mostly because I do).  But when I start to get discouraged I have to think about all the progress I've made.  From completely immobile, to on crutches, to using a cane, and now I'm walking with nothing but the brace I'll have for the next few months.

I'm taking great satisfaction in setting concrete goals, only to achieve them.  It's like mental preparation for when I return to jiu jitsu - or really for any other aspect of life.  It's been a while since I had a really big challenge I was forced into.  In some twisted way, this has been kind of exciting.  "How far can I progress in my recovery today?" has replaced drilling techniques or surviving a "heater-on-2-hours-of-nontstop-fighting" BJJ practice.  I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea though.  I'm very anxious to get back on the mats and I'm working very hard to do that sooner than later.

But this is why it is so important to set goals...REAL goals.  Not ambiguous, "I want to be better/richer/stronger/faster/smarter/more successful" goals.  Like winning a tournament, running a 7 minute mile, or squatting 250 pounds.  Like saving $20,000, winning a case, or getting a promotion.  And once you reach that goal, you can look back to it for motivation when things get hard later down the line.  You won't be as easily discouraged because you'll look back and say, "hey I've done this before.  I've done harder things before.  I can do this too!"

So what goals have I been setting?  I mentioned one above.  To get off of crutches, and to be walking unassisted.  I met that goal about a week ago. I probably jumped the gun a little bit, but I was doing it nonetheless.  I'm on the stationary bike regularly now, which was impossible for a very long time, at least not without an extreme amount of pain.

I still have a lot of other goals I'm working toward though.   Range of motion, strength, and balance are all still lacking on some level.  I want to run, squat, jump and do all sorts of other things.  I've progressed a lot in three weeks, but by week six I don't want to have simply doubled my progress.  I already know what I'm capable of doing in three weeks, so the idea is that you set your goal a little higher.  With a lot of positive affirmation and diligence, I'm pretty positive that I'll meet them, because look what I've already done!

I also had a goal to be rid of this guy by the end of the first month post-surgery.  It's been three weeks.  Getting stronger every day!!

Maybe I should have finished my Christmas shopping first!

"I just don't have the time!"

I would say most of us think we lead very busy lives.  I've been pretty busy since high school, and ever since then some combination of school and/or work has always occupied way way more than 40 hours of any week I've lived.  I think back on certain points in my life and wonder, "how'd I ever keep up with all that?"

But time is like money -  You never feel like you have enough.  I remember I had some extra credits so I took a semester off in college to work and save some  money.  Keep in mind, I was already working while in class.  I got accustomed to 40 hours a week, and when I went back to school, it was a real shock.  I felt like it was impossible to do everything, and couldn't understand what had happened: I had never had a problem keeping up before!  But after a few weeks I adjusted, and though I was definitely busy, it wasn't impossible...just busy.

So if you look at your life now, you probably feel like you are very busy.  Work, wives, girlfriends, kids, hobbies, friends, etc.  God forbid you have to try and fit in a trip to BB&B.

So the things that fall to the wayside are the things that are harder.  Like working out.  I have several people who I have spoken with who tell me they don't have time to work out.  Some are sort of healthy, some want or need to lose weight.  So I made a suggestion; offered a challenge, if you will (note: I did this with several people, and the outcome was always the same).  I ask if they've ever heard of a burpee.  If not, I explain it to them.  I say if they're pressed for time, do 15 burpees.  That will take even the most out-of-shape person probably about a minute at most.  Then, I tell them to add one burpee every day.  That's it.  Just one.  The idea is that within a month you will be doing almost 50 burpees a day.  Still not a marathon, but if you're familiar with burpees, you would understand that going from no exercise to 50 burpees a day may yield some noticeable health benefits.

Some people start them, and feel good about it.  It's not too bad, and it only takes a minute.  And they are surprised that after a week or two they are doing 30 burpees, which would have been impossible for them on day 1.  But inevitably, they all stopped.  More than one person told me: "man, I just don't have the time."

WHAT?!?  Remember that whole "takes less than a minute" part?  The real answer, and one person actually came clean with me, is that "I really just don't care enough about my health to want to stand up and work hard.  I really just don't care."

I had this experience when I first started physical therapy about three weeks ago.  They gave me exercises to do at home, 2-3 times every day.  The first night, I ran through them and it took me about an hour and a half.  I was very discouraged...how on earth was I going to find time to do all this?  I was still working, and working longer hours becaues I was moving very slowly, with the knee and all.  I told my mom it was impossible.  She just looked at me and told me, "but you know you have to do it."  Sure enough, every day since, I've been waking up early, staying up late...but I get at least 3 hours of PT in every day.

It's crazy what you can do when you're forced to.  No one is putting a gun to my head, but the fear of making a less than full recovery is something I can't live with, so the PT isn't an option.  I must find the time.  Right before I got injured, my instructor instituted a new policy: if we weren't going to class 5 days every week, we couldn't go to the "advanced" class any more.  Lots of people didn't even try, they just told him "sorry, I just don't have the time."  The real answer?  I hope I've already made that clear.

I really wanted to document this because one day I won't need that much PT every day.  I don't want to get accustomed to a schedule that is work and 2-3 days of jiu jitsu, or any workout for that matter.  I don't want to forget what it is like to truly be busy, or forget how much spare time is hidden beneath our laziness.  Next time someone suggests you do something that will benefit you, try to at least pause and think before you tell them "I don't have time."  If you're not going to do it, at least be honest about the reason.

Wiggle Your Big Toe

A hilarious picture of me in a post-surgical opiate coma

When we're young, most adults make sure to tell us that we can achieve, accomplish, and be anything we want, as long as we put our minds to it.  Somewhere between kindergarten and graduating high school, however, most of us seem to lose sight of that.  We give up on our dreams and goals because they are "unrealistic," or because we lack some trait or advantage in life, despite the fact that thousands have already achieved the same exact goal we are abandoning.

Without going into too much detail on what Lloyd Irvin would call "the spooky stuff," it will suffice to say that even as adults, we can do anything we put our minds to.  But we usually face two big obstacles on the road to our goals: ourselves, and everyone else.

Obstacle #1

I mentioned last time the concept of positive affirmation - or, more simply, actively believing in yourself.  When dealing with ourselves, the first problem is usually inaction.  We like to wait for the "right time," or until we are "more prepared" because we think we aren't good enough right now.  But before we reach the right level of preparation, we abandon the goal.  We get sidetracked, deciding it isn't worth the time and effort, or that we aren't capable.

But even if you force yourself to make a plan and take the first steps toward a goal, you have to sincerely believe that you will accomplish it.   If I decided to walk 10,000 miles, I would have to take the first step at some point.  The "inaction" component is that most people will not decide when or where to take the frist step.  But even after I map it out and start walking, I have to know that I will make it, as long as I have food, water, and time (hopefully, this was accounted for in the plan!).  As goofy as it sounds, simply reminding yourself that the goal is attainable and that you will attain it will keep you from giving up and lead you to success.  That's the positive affirmation aspect.  The mind, visualization, belief...it's all very powerful stuff!

Obstacle #2

But once we get a handle on ourselves, we come to the next obstacle: everyone else.  Most people are stuck in their own mediocrity and can't even believe in themselves, let alone truly believe in any one else.  So you get the nay-sayers, the doubters, and the negative influences.  People who scoff at your goals and suggest you can't do it.  There's a million ways to deal with these people, but all I will say is that you can't have the negativity surrounding you if you want to succeed.

So what does all this have to do with my recovery?  Well, I had my surgery on Tuesday, and was back in physical therapy yesterday.  I've already shared a little bit about how hard it's been for me to stay positive and move toward my ultimate recovery goals, i.e., overcoming obstacle #1.  Today, in physical therapy, I swear to you it was like a scene from Kill Bill trying to get certain parts of my leg working right:

There you go.  Positive affirmation at its finest.  Someone who knows what they have to do, so they decide they are going to do it, then they do it.

So, despite the struggles, I'm doing good.  I've got a plan and I'm keeping my spirits high.  But here comes "everyone else," telling me when I can do this, when I I'll be able to do that, how it will be forever until I can do this again, or won't ever be able to do that again.  If only these people knew that I can do whatever I want if I really put my mind to it...but that's the beauty of positive affirmation.  You don't really need anyone else to believe in you.  I already know what's going to happen and I'm just excited to watch it unfold!